Half Way Point

I've made it! I've officially completed the first half of my YTT training. 8 long weeks filled with smiles, laughs, tears, stress, sweat, and even blood (i had a toe nail incident from doing too many jump-throughs one day...i dont want to talk about it) have now come to an end, and I have a short two weeks to digest everything I have learned before I embark on the second half of the training.

As I'm sure that you can tell based on my postings, I have certainly had my ups and downs with the training.  Generally speaking, this was the best thing I ever decided to do, but it definitely came with its challenges.  Never have I been pushed so hard before beyond my limits and faced as many emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges.....and being quite the spiritual and religious skeptic, this certainly was a challenge.  With every challenge and experience, along the way there comes one of those things we call lessons..and of course I have learned many.  But one of the most important ones that I think has made a huge impact on me at this half way point of mine, is really knowing when to tell myself to stop and slow down. Many people will push themselves so incredibly hard and place so much pressure on getting to a certain goal, but will end up experiencing a lot of injuries, whether they be physical or emotional.  And having experienced both types so far in my practice and training, I finally reached a point where I knew that I needed to take it easy.

I started practicing yoga solely to get to the goal.  I wanted to be able to perfect every single pose, and balance on my arms, or stand on my head just like I was witnessing others do in my classes. I would not only become incredibly frustrated for not being able to reach a certain level in a pose, but there were several occasions where I really hurt myself because I wasn't physically ready yet!  As cliche as this is about to sound, but it really truly isn't about getting to a certain pose in a certain time, but rather it is all about HOW you get there (some may say the journey, but I wouldn't want to make you cringe from the cheese).  Since I had an exceptional impatience, and admittedly still do quite often, I ended up pushing myself way past my limits, and as a result, causing a great disservice to both myself and to my yoga practice.

You need to learn to tell yourself to slow down, to pause, or to even stop what you are doing sometimes, because there is absolutely no benefit in rushing to get something done....because even if you do get there that way, it certainly wont be the right way.  Be patient with your body, because sometimes your mind jumps ahead of it. Know that practice REALLY is perfect, and know that with time you will get there.  And really....just hold your damn horses!

My Hips Don't Lie

It never ceases to amaze me how yoga can truly and completely heal. I had a meh day, which turned into a pretty awful evening, and I ended my day feeling completely drained, emotional, and anxious.  But I ended up walking towards my studio, and despite the tears streaming down my face, and the shortness of my breath, I found myself entering the studio, laying down on my mat, and completely succumbing to the overwhelming emotions that were filling up in my body.

My practice began quite roughly. I had short shallow breaths, I was crying (probably freaking out the girl next to me) and I literally couldn’t just be.  During the first few poses I felt impatient and my inability to focus was tremendous.  But even if I was crawling out of my skin and wanting to curl up in a ball in my bed, I knew that this was better than sitting in my room wallowing in my sadness, and I knew it was better than going for that glass of wine and ice cream that I much would have rather indulged in.  Feeling vulnerable on my mat just resulted in me going deeper and becoming more introspective in my practice.

As fate would have it, I realized quickly that my teacher decided to choose this day, this particular class that I reluctantly walked into, to focus on hip opening positions.  I’m sure most people have heard this before, but typically hips are the center of a lot of emotions.  Most yoga teachers I have practiced with, or any articles I have read on the subject, all agree that we hold our stress and negative emotions – fear, guilt, sadness – in our pelvis and hips. While I certainly do feel frustration in hip openers, and know that this is a very tight part of my body, I had never had a particular emotional experience in any hip opening poses (like in pigeon for instance). Um…lets just say that I feel quite differently after tonight and now I get what all the fuss is about.

This was exactly what I needed.  And while I certainly had an emotional practice that began quite panicky and sad, slowly throughout the class I started to relax, my breathing deepened, and my focus completely centered.  Isn’t that so amazing? Walking out of the studio I almost couldn’t believe how a short 90 minutes completely readjusted my attitude and simply made me feel just so much better.

I strongly encourage anyone who is having a shitty, sad, angry, or stressful day to go to a yoga class, release your pent up energy and emotions, refocus your mind, and I guarantee you will leave feeling completely released and free.

And then AFTERWARDS you can go indulge in that ice cream and wine

Balancing Act

I’ve been finding over the past week that my balance has been quite off in all the balancing postures I practice.  I actually love balancing postures and usually find myself quite stable in them, particularly in my favourite pose, ardha chandrasana (half moon pose).  I’ve even been working on bringing both hands off the ground, which I think is quite a feat.  But recently in my practice, I have not been solid at all in my balancing poses and have been finding myself quite shaky and wobbly.  Of course initially I became consumed with frustration. How come I can get into these poses no problem most of the time, and now I can’t? What has changed all of a sudden? If I’m practicing more consistently, then shouldn’t I be advancing?

It took a mini mental breakdown last weekend to figure out what was wrong.  The balance in my life has run amok!  I’m just over a month into my training, and in the beginning it was smooth sailing. Ok ya I had to cut back on some of my social activities (read: my alcohol consumption), miss out on brunches dinners with friends, and leave the bar 5 minutes after getting there, but I was ok with it because I was loving what I was doing.  But after 5 weeks now, even though I still am extremely into my training, I think I was starting to feel a bit out of touch with my life.  I wasn’t seeing my friends as much as I used to, I wasn’t reading as much non-yoga related books (on top of being yoga obsessed, I am quite the book worm), I wasn’t even seeing my parents or sisters! The balance in my overall life was quite off, and it took me 5 weeks of intense practice and training to get a dose of reality.  I got home from yoga one Sunday afternoon, after a pretty challenging day, and I completely broke down. Cried for an hour, yelled at my sister (this time I didn’t even have a semi-legitimate reason) and refused to see any of my friends. 

After calming down over an episode of The Real World (trashy television always turns my frown upside down) and a glass of wine, I began to make sense of what was going on. No wonder my balancing postures were unsuccessful lately, my entire life balance is off!  I had become so incredibly focused on my training, my readings, my personal practice, that I think I was forgetting how important it was to equal that intensity out with some normal routine and some silly fun every now and then. I didn’t need to shut myself out from the rest of my world just because I was entering a new chapter in my life, and I didn’t need to cut out other things just because I was bringing in something new.

Balance in general is hard, for everyone!  When people start new jobs they have trouble balancing work with pleasure. When people enter relationships they have trouble balancing time with their friends and their significant others.  And when people like me begin focusing on a new passion, a new hobby, a new activity, they have trouble balancing that with EVERYTHING else.

So last week I focused on this exact theme.  I practiced yoga and I went to a concert with my friends.  Instead of only reading my yoga philosophy books, I also read my silly Chelsea Handler book.  And instead of holing myself up in my room after a practice, I went out to a friend’s birthday party and had a few drinks.  Just because I am so focused, and of course I do want and need to be, it doesn’t mean I need to exclude everything else in my life that makes me happy. Because as I learned, albeit the hard way, when your scale is tipping too much in one direction, everything else becomes out of whack.  And guess what, last night I was able to hold tree pose without wobbling at all!

“The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you’ve lost it”

This post is dedicated to my pal Rebecca, who has the honour of sitting next to me every day and the even greater privilege of listening to me whine on a daily basis about this exact topic J

Moans, Groans, Snorts, and Toots

Yogis are funny.  We also usually do really weird and sometimes entertaining things in class.  I find it hard pressed to remember a class where there wasn’t at least one unusual sound or smell emanating in the studio…ok I know how that sounds, but it’s true!  Alright, often the smells are pleasant aromas from incense burning or aromatic oils being used, but for the most part a yoga studio room has a very distinctive “yoga smell,” whether that means the combination of several human bodies’ individual scents, or simply the sweat and hot energy radiating off each student, but you know it when you smell it.  Am I a freak if I actually enjoy this scent? Perhaps my passion for yoga is stretching a tad too far this time.

Once again I digress.  Moving away from the olfactory sense, I’d like to dedicate this post to the crazy and funny sounds and noises that appear in a yoga studio.  Admittedly, I like to let out a giant sigh or the occasional groan after completing 5 sets of chaduranga/plank sequences, or even sometimes when finally settling into savasana, but there are certain individuals who like to groan and moan and yell and squeal (you get the picture) throughout the entire 90 minutes!  People really like to let it out. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a full supporter of releasing your energy when needed, especially after a super intense vinyasa practice, but sometimes I can’t help but laugh at the sounds people make! I’m sure you’ve all witnessed a student howling out sounds that should probably be best saved for the bedroom, or even being taken aback by a high pitched shriek that sounds like someone is in severe pain…either way, they’re usually pretty entertaining (unless someone actually is in severe pain, then not so funny).

Another amusing (read: sometimes annoying), and incredibly common occurrence in a class, is that dreaded snorer.  More often than not, there is at least one person in the class that snores like a monster struck when falling asleep in savasana.  Of course it’s usually the case that you could be so incredibly relaxed and released after a class that it’s hard to resist a mini nap in this final pose, but I really think that snorers should be more self-aware of their little habit!  There’s nothing more distracting than trying to meditate during the final resting pose when there are intermittent snorts and wheezes appearing….honestly, how am I supposed to melt into my consciousness when I can’t even contain my laughter??

My final favourite noise that often appears in a yoga class is….drum roll….a fart! Come on, we’ve all been there.  Stretched back into a downward dog, or lifted up in a shoulder stand, sometimes you really cannot help letting one go.  And I am way more forgiving of this minor slip than perhaps with the previous two noises I mentioned, because these are really uncontrollable….and let’s face it, who doesn’t find a fart funny?? Exception: As long as they aren’t of the “silent but deadly” brand, I’m ok with hearing a little toot now and then in a class.

So go ahead yogis. Groan, Moan, Snort, and Toot….if anything, someone will find it funny!

Stuck Between the Head and the Heart

So as part of our training, we are required to do 10 Vinyasa classes with a specific teacher, and 10 Hatha, followed by a personal assessment and review of the class.  Basically, we have to attend the practice without either a pen or paper, sequence through, and at the end of the class write down each and every pose we covered, and how we felt throughout.

Now obviously being a bit of a keener, and a tad anal retentive (ok, maybe more than just a tad), I panicked a little bit when we first got these instructions!  How was I supposed to memorize the entire class? How was I supposed to focus on my practice, but also pay attention to the cues our teachers are giving us? What happens if I forget a pose!?  Ok yes, I’m a bit crazy, and probably missed the entire point of what this exercise is supposed to be. But I was really worried, and obviously wrote Kathryn immediately demanding (in a nice way) a clearer explanation!

Ok deep breath. Calm down. This is so not big a deal.  Which I evidently just discovered this evening after completing my first “assessment.”  I will admit that I struggled throughout my Hatha class with Darcie this evening, and not only because her class was somewhat challenging, but also because I was scrambling inside my head to pay attention to every pose she was cuing us into, and trying to decode some sort of pattern in her sequence.  I was far too deep in my head, and not enough in my heart, that is forsure.  And while I definitely had a great class, and immediately afterwards sat outside of the room and scribbled down the entire sequence of the class that I could remember (I think I got it all), I realized that this is going to be a serious challenge.

It’s going to be very difficult to not get too lost in my head, and too concerned about if I’m going to remember each and every pose throughout my practice.  The point is to start practicing like a teacher! And start paying attention to patterns that teachers use in their sequencing, in order for me to figure out: ok, right now we’re doing some hip openers, and then transitioning into twists, ok! Rather than struggling to remember whether trikonasana or parsvakonasana came first.  Sensing patterns, and sensing how my body feels throughout, will naturally lead to an easier understanding of the sequence and to remembering the postures.

I realized I definitely need to work on feeling and moving with my heart and body more so than getting stuck in my head and losing the point of the exercise entirely.  Now of course this is easier said than done because I haven’t “assessed” a Vinyasa class yet!  Someone please remind me to re-read this post tomorrow evening after I get back into panic mode.

Chant it Like You Mean It

So have any of you actually chanted before? Because I can say without a doubt I never have…at least not correctly.  Typically when a teacher has guided me through a chant/prayer at the end of a group practice, I mumble along aimlessly, with absolutely no clue of what I’m saying, or if I’m even saying it right. I’m often confused, nervous and incredibly shy about what the sounds coming out of my mouth actually sound like, and it really has no significant meaning to me, besides just wanting to know what the hell the teacher is saying.  Did I care to even learn? Meh…not really. But I did know that it sounded really cool when a group of ten or more individuals were chanting the same words in unison….you could literally feel the energy vibrating out of everyone’s lungs, without even having to speak a word.

That all changed for me last weekend. I was introduced to our philosophy teacher Hali to commence our philosophy portion of the training, and I immediately fell in love with this woman.  She was so inspiring, energetic and engaging, that she made me want to learn everything there is about meditation, chanting, Sanskrit, and the tradition of yoga…something I never had such a deep interest in learning about. I was for so long focused on the physical practice of yoga.  Hali taught us our first real chant/prayer: The Prayer for Truth, and let me just say, that as a traditional skeptic in all things regarding chanting, praying, singing, whatever…..I absolutely loved this experience and am so grateful that she opened my mind to it.

Firstly, I’ve always had trouble with OM.  I run out of breath so early on, and besides the vibration that I do evidently feel spewing out of my chest when chanting this elemental sound, I never felt a connection to it.  But after fully understanding what OM is all about, and learning how to properly say it (it is actually made up of 3 distinct and separate sounds), I was able to control my breath to hold it for quite a while and feel a deeper connection to this simple syllable.

Secondly, Hali chanted the Prayer for Truth first for us, before doing a call and response exercise, and hearing her sing these words that I didn’t really understand, truly inspired me and made me really want to know what the hell she was saying! She sounded beautiful.  She digested each syllable for us, then each word, then each sentence, then each line….then the entire prayer…and understanding fully what it meant allowed me to open my lungs, open my chest, and sing those words loud and proud!

Asato ma sat gamaya

Tamas ma jyotir gamaya

Mrityor ma amritam gamaya

Looking at those words, it may seem like gibberish to you. But it has a meaning and a translation, and it is powerful.  It is a prayer asking to be led away from the darkness, away from untruth, away from death, and it is a prayer asking to be led towards truth, enlightenment, towards lightness!  Ok yes, it probably seems like weird hippie mumbo jumbo, but I’m telling you, once you learn the pattern, the meaning, and the sound of each word, and once you chant it together in a room full of like minded individuals….just wow. Trust me, I was a huge skeptic when it came to this stuff! I thought it was funny, and silly….but after experiencing learning this chant with everyone in my training, and learning how to chant it correctly with everyone…I haven’t stopped since.  I swear..i’ve been singing it on the way to the bus stop, singing it in the office, annoying my sisters with it!  I cant stop. And I cant wait to learn more. 

If any of you have the desire to learn how to chant, I strongly encourage you to step out of your box of shyness and chant it like you really mean it!!

I'm a pusher Cady, I'm a pusher

I was reading an article this morning on my way to work that my teacher had handed out in class.  Written by Joel Kramer, an “American Hatha Master”, he describes two personality types in yoga: the “pushers” and the “sensualists.” Pushers are more into control and progress, they prefer the “hotter” types of yoga such as a Vinyasa or Ashtanga practice.  The other type of yogis are the sensualists who are more into surrender and relaxation; they tend to prefer the “cooler” types of yoga: Yin, Restorative, Hatha.

I probably already knew it deep down, hence my complete attraction and devotion to Vinyasa yoga, but I am a pusher ladies and gentleman.  Being such an “A-type” personality, it’s in my nature to push my edges and to use control to generate my energy in my practice. Yoga truly means balance…which inevitably means that I need to learn to let go, relax and just simply enjoy the sensuality of the stretch. 

The first ever Hatha class I attended was to be quite honest, boring.  I felt as though it moved incredibly slowly, I began to get impatient with the poses, and I craved just at least one salutation!  I’m pretty sure that we didn’t even do one single downward dog.  I was shocked and vowed to never do a Hatha class again…..that is until I reminded myself that my training will be split between Hatha and Vinyasa and I better damn get used to it.  Especially because our training program requires that we attend at least 10 Hatha classes with a certain teacher, and 10 Vinyasa.

But as I started to attend a few more Hatha classes, and push myself out of my Vinyasa habits (read: addiction) I was able to enjoy the practice so much more for what it was.  I don’t need to always “push” myself and have complete control, I actually enjoy letting go and surrendering in a gentler, calmer practice. 

Discovering and thinking about what type of “yoga personality” you are will really allow you to not only become more introspective, but in knowing what you need to learn to do and to focus on, you will truly be able to create more balance in your life.  Personally, as I read this article and was able to see in words why it was that I was so drawn to a fast-paced, energetic practice, only made me more attracted to the opposite….balance is key!

Shiny Happy Waves

Last Saturday was my first day of the training program.  I obviously did not sleep a wink the night before, and my mind was racing with all the possible “what ifs” that I could conjure up in my overanalytical, sometimes crazy head.  Waking up the morning of I had serious butterfilies in my stomach…which actually felt more like a swarm of bees…and I was beyond nervous.  But what was there to be nervous about? I kept trying to remind myself that I’ve been to this studio almost every day for months, I know the teachers, I feel comfortable here, I love yoga, I’m interested, I want to learn, what is the problem?  Well obviously I could find a million things that could possibly go wrong….but the second I walked through those same doors that I had walked through all summer, all of my doubts were tossed out the window.

There are 19 of us in total in the program, and we could not be a more eclectic group.  99% female, we came from all walks of life, ages, nationalities, occupations, you name it.  Yet at the same time, we all have a common interest and a common goal.  And knowing that made me realize that this group of individuals will really become my new family. I get to study with a group of people who are all so incredibly different on the outside….yet all here for the exact same reason.  We love yoga and we want to learn more. 

A 6 hour day spent sitting on the floor , with the occasional brief downward dog or reclining head to knee pose…or wait, supta padungusthasana, my teacher made us repeat this over and over until we got it right, and I still get tongue twisted.  People, Sanskrit is hard!!  Anywhoos…sitting on the floor for 6 hours was certainly a challenge.  And while I do have a desk job and am often seated for my full 8 hour work day, sitting with no back support requires the use of a whole new range of back muscles that I forget I have. 

I’m used to moving in my classes, and moving lots, but Saturday was just about learning, sitting, listening.  It was about getting back to basics.  Big picture stuff.  Learning to get rid of your ego…develop conscious relationships with others. A metaphor my teacher gave us to help explain conscious relationships, which really resonated with me, is as follows: we are all waves in an ocean….but if we separate ourselves, and only look at ourselves on an individual level, we build floors to our waves and become alienated…alone…depressed.  We need to drop these floors, get rid of our ego, see ourselves in others…we must develop relationships where we are completely conscious and aware of the other person.  Look at ourselves as "big self" (ocean) rather than "little self" (wave). This is the only way to truly become connected…to truly be at peace.

           

If I learned anything last weekend (besides the fact that my back hurts from simply sitting) it is that I need to become more conscious of my relationships with everyone: family, friends, coworkers, lovers, everyone.  Connection is key.  Especially with the group of individuals I will be training with.  I can only do this if I let go of my silly ego and join the other waves in the big wide ocean.

To The Beat Of My Heart



Anyone who knows me knows that I’m just a tad music obsessed.  And there’s certainly nothing more enjoyable than a yoga class accompanied by the soothing sounds of your favourite artists.  While I do love practicing to traditional Kirtan, flowing to the songs that you're into at the time really allow you to sink deeper into the poses, and connect with your body at a completely different level....at least i find that to be true. Whether you’re in a high intensity Vinyasa practice, or a slow relaxed restorative session, songs that put you in the mood….well…put you in the mood!

I’ve come up with a soundtrack of my personal favourite songs at the moment that suit a 60 minute practice, as well as a final mantra for a 5 minute savasana to bring your practice to a close. Enjoy!

1) Peace of Mind = Lauryn Hill

2) Who By Fire = Buck 65 & Jenn Grant (original by Leonard Cohen)

3) Heirloom = Sufjan Stevens

4) Lump Sum = Bon Iver

5) Blue Ridge Mountains = Fleet Foxes

6) Knife = Grizzly Bear

7) A Case of You = Joni Mitchell

8) The Wilhelm Scream = James Blake

9) On a Neck, On a Spit = Grizzly Bear

10) Blindsided = Bon Iver

11) How Come You Never Go There = Feist

12) New Slang = The Shins

13) These Arms of Mine = Otis Redding

14) America = Simon & Garfunkel

15) Mantra = Krishna Das

Chapter 1

Well I've just gone and done it.  This weekend I have officially opened a new chapter in my life and have started a yoga teacher training program (YTT).  Once I registered for the program, I had a few months to experience the widest range, and most unpredictable series of emotions from my decision....for better or for worse.  Anxiety, fear, excitement, glee, nervousness, happiness, sadness, anticipation, regret….literally every feeling an individual could possess…I could not find peace with my new adventure quite yet.

But now that I have actually begun, it's amazing how suddenly I feel complete ease, comfort, joy. I am now completely confident that this was the right step for me.  And no matter how many brunches or night outs I’ll miss with my friends, and no matter how exhausted I will be and challenged, what I’m about to do this year is going to be life changing…..desperately need to get over my major FOMO.

I moved downtown in the beginning of the summer, and I was on a quest to find the perfect studio to suit both my personal preference in style, as well as schedule.  Working a full time job, especially one with unpredictable working hours, I needed a studio that would have multiple class styles and times, that would suit my often crazy work week. I bought the Passport to Prana card, which I highly highly recommend to ANYONE looking to try yoga for the first time, or looking to explore new styles and studios, and began my quest.  (NOTE: Passport to Prana is a $30 card that entitles you to 1 class at over 60 different participating studios in the city. It is an amazing way to learn new styles, meet new teachers, and find a studio that suits you perfectly)  Anyway, I digress.  So I used my passport and tried many many MANY studios, and one day stumbled upon Yoga Space.  Located on the Ossington strip, it was both easy to get to from work, and from my apartment…felt warm, comfortable, un-intimidating…basically I felt completely at home the moment I stepped through their glass doors.  This was my new studio.

After just over a year of consistently practicing yoga I knew that I wanted to learn more, and decided that doing a teacher training program was the next step in my practice.  However, my fears obviously overwhelmed me and led me to major doubts in myself.  Would I be ready to do a training? I hadn’t been practicing for that long, would I be good enough?  Would I even get in?  Being quite the A type personality, I’m constantly overanalyzing and coming up with every possible reason to NOT to do something. But this is the time in my life where I vow to change, and I vow to let go of any doubts, insecurities, and focus on what really makes me happy and have confidence in my abilities.  I’m going to do the teacher training, and I’m going to succeed.  Who cares how long I’ve been practicing? The important thing is that I wanted it and I was eager to make it happen.

Yoga Space’s training program was perfect for my personal schedule.  Working a full time job often makes it difficult to do YTT programs that run during the week, or expect that you alter your normal schedule drastically.  But Yoga Space offered a 4 month program, solely on weekends, and the teachers were completely flexible and accommodating to each and everyone's own specific needs... I knew that this was the program for me.  After attending classes by the majority of the teachers on the schedule, and knowing that I actually liked most of them, I met with the owner of the studio and director of the program, Kathryn, and sent my application letter the next day.  Going to a a studio, often students have their one or two favourite teachers….at Yoga Space, I had many.  This is how I knew this was my new home.  No matter what class I attended, I enjoyed.  No matter what time of the day I took a class, I felt at ease.  And despite all my trepidation in spending the money, time, energy on the program, this weekend I knew it was worth it.